03/12/2009
03/04/2009
Marketeers
Since I’m an early riser and, as a result, a habitual napper, I appreciate my quiet afternoons and have tried to get myself on every no-call list I’ve heard about. It seemed to be working swimmingly for a while as the phone almost never rang and when it did and I bothered to pick it up I found that someone I knew and wanted to talk to was usually on the other end. Lately however, a new breed of harasser seems to have entered the scene. Company's that have decided the no call lists don't apply to them since they are conducting "scientific research" instead of irritating marketing. The most recent offender seems to be some sort of horseshit firm from Portland, Oregon. When I punched their number into Google, I found that a bunch of other people have been complaining about them. Some sample comments.
”This company called about 5 times when asked not to call and remove my name from there list the guy said good luck. A-- Hole!!.
here is the link I am going to call there main number and raise some hell.
http://www.rdd.info/home.html”
”I went to the www.rdd.info website, called, & after the broad that answered said "The Federal Do Not Call list does not apply to us", I told her don't ever call me again, & she said she would add me to their Do Not Call list”
” I got a call today from 1-503-977-6714. It was actually for my husband but he was out of the house and the gal on the phone would not give me the time of day. She tried to hang up on me but I managed to ask her who she was and how she got this number because we too are on the do not call list. She said it was a survey, she was from RRD and the number was from the voter registeration. I asked her to remove my number from their calling list and she refused saying that I was not the intendend receipient of the call and if I were my spouse she could do that. Urgh!!
”I went to their website and was able to get some numbers and e-mails. I’ve been pounding away at them.”
I have caller ID and don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize but on about the fifth time these folks woke me up, I finally picked up the phone.
Hello
Is this Mr (mispronounced name)?
Something like that
Would you have time to answer a few questions?
I have the time but I don’t appreciate being called at home
I will only take a few minutes of your time sir
As I said, it’s not the time I’m concerned with it’s the fact that I was doing something else, something enjoyable and relaxing and your call interrupted it
Only a couple minutes sir
Okay but you need to put me on your do not call list after we’re done
That’s fine sir. First question – How many times a week would you say you dine out?
I only eat heaping plates of feces
Excuse me
I said the only thing I eat are heaping plates of feces.
Would you say you eat out more than five times a week?
Only if I’ve just fellated an elephant
I beg your pardon
I said I only treat myself to an out to eat if I’ve just blown an elephant
Is anyone in your home a smoker
Only of donkey pole
Of what
Several people live here who suck donkey dicks. This shouldn’t be a shock to someone who does what you do for a living.
OK sir there’s absolutely no reason to be rude
Isn’t there? What could be ruder than calling up a person who’s worked an all night shift and is simply trying to get some sleep and instead has to climb out of bed and talk to you about dining and smoking habits? Smoking of all things. Let me ask you a question. Does anyone still smoke? Do you?
Does your town have a ban on smoking in restaurants?
Isn't that something you can easily look up?
When eating out do you typically sit in the smoking or non smoking section?
Smoking, I love smoking. I’m thinking about filling the house with burlap sacks of leaves and dung and lighting them on fire right before ordering out a big plate of duck confit. But first I have to take the cow out back and shave his ass and lotion him up with SPF 50.
Would you avoid a restaurant that allowed smoking?
I would unless the offered gophers
Gophers?
Yes for happy hour. I like them on a stick. You douse them in Slap My Ass and Call Me Sally brand hot sauce and nibble their soft bellies to accompany a Mint Julep.
You’re not taking these questions seriously
No I’m not
Are you over or under 25
I died five years ago a week before I was born
Good bye sir.
Call again anytime. I know you will.
02/24/2009
02/21/2009
02/18/2009
Girls of my dreams
Was texting with a friend to kill time the other day when she noted that some actor was okay but “not really at the top of her list.” And just what type of bloke would find himself at the top of this list then, I wanted to know. “Real blokes," she asked, "or fictional?”. Hmm. Interesting. Throw them all together, I finally replied. She came back with a list of several people I’ve never heard of along with Clive Owen, Daniel Craig, Jack Aubrey, Jim Chee and me. “Now your turn,” said the screen. This should be easy I thought, ignoring the elephant that had just entered the room. Easy, until I started pondering the possibilities.
First of all, while I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be any great treat to actually hang with someone like Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Aniston personally, the allure and charm of some of the characters they’ve played isn’t lost on me. Just for example, there was indeed Something about Mary and if Along Came Polly and presented herself for some sort of ditzy intimate encounter it would be hard to close the door in her face. I have no hopes, plans or real interest in meeting Kim Basinger either (just for another stretch) but would cross the country in a minute just to spend an night with Marion from The Door in the Floor. With certain actresses you get more of a "what you see is what you get feeling" but it’s always hard to tell. Having dated one for five years and moved around in their world a little bit it became abundatly clear that most of them don't get to where they are without being incredibly self centered. Charlize seems real though. Scarjo, intelligent and interesting. Natalie Portman? Kate Winslett?
With fictional characters from the literary realm you have more to work with and nothing to worry about as far as being disappointed since the interpretation was up to you in the first place. You’ll never get any further with them physically than you’ve already gotten anyway no matter how many times you you chose to delve into their story. With someone like Marion's daughter Ruth in A Widow for One Year, Mr. Irving has provided every facet of her life in detail for one to dissect so they might decide whether to literarily lust after her or not. Then there's musicians, where you have their work, words, voices and your observations of them when taking in a live performance. With folks from the blogosphere…. well it depends but I would argue that they are mostly fictional characters as well. Anyway, here’s the list I came up with just typing with my thumbs on my phone and off the top of my head.
In no particular order: Ruth Cole, The characters, Connie Britton and Jennifer Jostyn play in The Brother’s McMullen, Liz Phair, Virginia Madsen’s philosophizing, wine loving waitress Maya from Sideways, new crush Cassie Maddox, Christie Kerr, Franny, Annie, The Wonkette, The Princess Leigh Cheri, Blaze (either the real one or Lolita Davidovich) Lolita (either the real one or Sue Lyon), Nately’s whore, Sugaree, Jordan Dane, Lynne Russell, Kasey Chambers, Sally Hayes, Vicki LaMotta, Vicola, Carrie Rodriquez, Johnette N, Elizabeth Bennett, Kitty I, Mrs. Robinson, Brett Ashley, the Stephanies L, G, and Sunshine, the woman in the black one piece who swims next to me sometimes, Serena, Anita Ekberg, Lin Sue Cooney, Gillian Welch, and Jenny Finch.
And I’m quite sure there are many others.Whew.
That was a completely pointless yet enjoyable exercise.
01/31/2009
Liking the likeness
I just read an excellent book and when I say read these days I usually mean listened to just as when I say “say” these days I usually mean typed. Anyway, the book is called “The Likeness” by Tana French. I listen to mostly mysteries anymore on my commute because I’ve read most of the classics available auditorily and mysteries seem more compatible with driving when your attention can’t always be hanging on each and every word. I’ve hung on every word of this book though and I’m not sure how much of that has to do with the charming lilt of the Irish reader Heather O’Neil or the writing itself. The book transcends the genre and then some and features a young Dublin detective named Cassandra Maddox who finds herself in another world suddenly when a girl who seems to be her identical twin is found murdered. Her boss convinces her to enter the dead girl's life undercover as if she survived the attack and she enters a Jason Bourne like existence where she has to guess who she is and was at every turn and what the character she’s imitating would have done in certain situations. The murdered girl lived on a country estate with four roommates who are all suspects of course and was part of a unique and complex relationship, which slowly unfolds. As happens to many undercover agents, Cassie begins to get a little too close to her character and soon isn’t sure if she wants to……. well, I don’t want to spoil it. I highly recommend it though to any of the 58% of college grads who might choose to read something in novel form after college and anyone else who appreciates a great and increasingly rare literary experience. Listening to it in rollicking Irish brogue with all the "wank stains" and "five star slappers" that pepper the dialog makes it all the more enjoyable. I’ve found myself driving in circles and sitting in people's driveways just to finish chapters.
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